Little Lamp

God is teaching me a lot about trust right now.

During worship at church on Sunday, the worship leader paused and gave a word that has stuck with me. She said that God's word is a lamp unto our feet and a light to our path. My first thought was "true, that is in the Bible." But then she painted a picture. She said that God does not give us a flood light to illuminate the road ahead and show us where we are going. He gives us a lamp. And I saw this:

And bless my little visual heart, it clicked!

I have been expecting to follow God through the seasons of unknown and turn the corner and:

God would reveal it all to me, answer the prayers I have been trusting Him with, and I would be in control again! Yet, even as I am living in fulfilled promises and answered prayers that I have prayed for years, God is keeping me ever dependent. With each fulfilled promise and answered prayer comes its own set of challenges and questions.

It's interesting that He gives us a lamp for our feet. God shows us just what we need to see in order for us to go. What I love about the picture the worship leader painted is that the lamp is being held by her feet and not by her head or her eyes. So often, I am immobilized by what I cannot see. I want my questions answered and my reasoning mind appeased before I take a step. But most of the time, I am finding that God shows me where I need to go and that's it. I am learning to allow this restrained light to be a mobilizing force in my life and not a source of fear or doubt. I am learning to change my response from "Where in the world are we going?!" to "Look! There's our next step, let's go!" Sometimes I feel like I am not the most graceful walker. But I would rather take awkward step after awkward step in trusting stride with my Jesus than run on my own. There is rest and peace in this place - in living a life with just enough light.

An ode to the sense of taste

Food is good! What a genius creation where texture, flavor, and color collide. I have to say it is so satisfying to take a bigger-than-your-mouth bite of something delicious and overwhelm your senses...it's a bit reckless. Sometimes it is nice to forget boundaries and just be. Just go!

Maybe this is why I love Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving I ate: cinnamon rolls, eggs, sausage, apple slices, yams, collard greens, dressing, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, herbed rice, brussels sprouts, ham, turkey, cranberry sauce, banana pudding, sweet potato pie, pecan pie, banana nut cake, cranberry truffle, and carrot spice cake. My stomach absolutely rioted, and I am glad it is once a year, but I would not change a bite.

I am learning more each day how important it is to take care of my body and nourish it well with fueling foods. I love how I feel after I eat a well balanced meal of protein, fresh vegetables, and whole grains. But I am not of the opinion that food is meant solely to prolong my years. Food is also to be appreciated and savored.

I have caught myself eating too quickly lately. We are living in a Rush Hour culture and even when I have nothing to do, "scarf mode" is auto engaged. Don't act like you don't know scarf mode. It is quite possible to eat an entire meal and never taste a bite! Shouldn't this concern us? Taste (as I learned in a science class), requires presence and attentiveness. I think I like food so much because there is so much to discover when I take the time to taste it. The more you attend to what you are eating, the more you taste it and the more you taste it the more beauty [or not] you uncover. You might write me off as a glutton or a nutcase, but I think it is possible that the way you approach your dinner is related to the way you approach other things in life. Do you stop to savor, discover, explore, ponder? It isn't to say that "quick eaters" are shallow and thoughtless (I am guilty as much as anyone). But I wonder how much I have missed by forgetting to taste. And so, a next meal challenge is in order. Pause and complete: "This tastes _____." For as many years as I have been eating, it is amazing how long it has taken me to discover how good food really is.

Smile

Two weeks and two days ago I saw my birthfather for the first time in fifteen years.

Maybe that is shocking. If you didn't know, I grew up with my mom and dad - a dad who is by blood unrelated, but who raised me, loved me, and adopted me and is my dad nonetheless. Chris (my birthfather) was not a part of my life. I remember back when I was Angry, spending myself wondering why I wasn't good enough to have his love or attention... or just presence. Was it something that I did? Was it something about me? But questions unanswered, particularly the identity kind, leave the heart at risk. So for survival's sake, I buried the questions and the accompanying pain and never looked back. Ever. Because I knew that if I lingered in that place, I could be destroyed. Thank God for Harold, my dad who married my mom when I was 6 and gave me a place to rest my questioning, curious, unwittingly dangerous eyes. He saved me in a lot of ways.

I have been told I have a great smile and that it lights up a room. And on that Friday I found myself in country-town Florida staring at the same space brightening smile on a completely unfamiliar face. It struck me as mostly wrong. Like one of those riddles: which of these things does not belong? That smile... that smile does not go there. Truly, the thought of building a relationship with Chris and his family grates against me still. They are honest, kind, and loving people. But they have never been mine.

It is a process of tearing down to build back up; of cessation and re-creation. I believe there is goodness and healing to be had through this, but right now it is all so foreign and ill-fitting. The only way to do this thing with any kind of worth or truth, is to not just be there and put forth the time, but be there as me - open, wall-less, and raw. Oh, that is such a vulnerable and fragile state. It's the kind of being that you would only show the proven, and they are very unproven.

In my soul, I don't want to do the face value, "pleased to meet you, I'll eat your chicken and be on my way" kind of thing. But I know I could get away with it and it could pass as relationship and I could remain unexposed and "safe". But I am beginning to think maybe that isn't safe at all. Or at least it isn't free. And if I am going to be free, I have to be real and be me. I have to give up myself and trust that I will return intact. I don't know exactly what these relationships are supposed to look like, but I know that I have to risk me in this. I don't think I'll understand freedom until I risk me. Risk is tricky, heart palpitating, uncomfortable business. Praise Jesus for courage and strength to risk big. Even when risk just means facing my own smile in the mirror two weeks and two days later, breathing in, and being free to remain me.

Discovery loves company.

Consider this the obligatory intro post.

You may (or may not) know much about about me, but I'm discovering in twenty two years of life I am still my own acquaintance.

I used to think too much of myself, and I hid behind walls, claiming them as my identity. I was Angry and Aggressive and then I realized you lose friends that way so I became Driven and Passionate instead. I don't know exactly how or when the switch was made, but Jesus wooed me and called me out from the city I had constructed around Me. And when I say Jesus wooed me, I don't mean to get churchy or religious; it peeves and pains me when people use Jesus as a trump card. No, Jesus pursued me and my heart slowly softened to Him and now I love Him fiercely. Too often, I think I know a lot more than I do. I have been wrong too much, yet enough so that I now hold knowledge loosely. But the one thing that has remained real and steadfast to me is the presence of God in my life. He is the only truth that I know. When it comes to reality and existence and all of these grand concepts philosophers marinate, I have resolved to know nothing but Jesus because He is all that has ever penetrated my defenses.

My soul craves truth and my aim in these posts is to be provocative, entertaining, and mostly transparent. As I walk with Jesus, I hope to learn more about Him and in turn more about me. I hope your interest is piqued and as you read whatever I share from this small mind, may you be probed to decipher yourself.