Talk Radio

I very recently discovered talk radio. I've been listening to NPR, abc news, Dave Ramsey, and this great Christian guy that comes on named Albert Mohler.

Talk radio makes me feel good for choosing self-education over repetitive pop songs. You know those intellectuals that seem to breathe knowledge and were probably born that way? I'm wondering if maybe they weren't. Maybe the smart people just chose one day to use their time a little better by switching from the "boys trying to touch my junk" song (reference the so obnoxious but catchy song "Tik Tok" by Kesha) to the just as accessible information network on the AM waves.

Not that I don't get in "poppy" moods anymore - I like dancing and singing and having fun. But, I'm realizing that I have the power to educate myself through small choices. So, I'm pretty into talk radio.

Relishing Now and Waiting on Then

I think one of my biggest struggles is learning to be where I am. I am an anticipator and I love looking forward to the Next Big Thing. But I am realizing that my Forward Thinking eyes are pretty traitorous. There is so much that I want to do and am starting to plan for, but I have to remind myself that I am still here (in this place and in this season). And if I pause and enjoy Now, I think there is a lot of beauty and joy to be found here. My anticipation of the future often brings discontentment in the present. How could I be happy with Now when I believe Then will be so much better?

The other issue is that when I'm keeping my eyes plastered on the future, I start to get anxious...because, inevitably, there are hordes of unanswered questions. And the anxiety makes me even more impatient and unhappy with where I'm at, because my Now becomes just a holding bay for Then, and Now seems kind of pointless and definitely not fun.

Alright, bear with me and my muddled vernacular. But don't you think that if I (if we?) keep on like this, that when we get to our Thens and our Thens become our Nows, we'll be just as dissatisfied? Because there will always be another Then to anticipate. So I am asking myself, what is the key to just being here in my present and enjoying my Now, while preparing for and joyously awaiting my Then?

As I've been reading the Word lately, a theme that's been coming up for me is Waiting on God. I think sometimes I lose my joy and peace and contentment because I run ahead instead of be with God here, now. Maybe I think that a circumstance or event or life change is what I really need and will fill me. But being with God is the only thing that fills me, and I need to get my satisfaction and joy from just being with Him wherever He is. And, you guessed it - He is here. Now. So...here is where I want to be too. And when God says move, we'll move together. And I'll be happy not because we're moving and not because we're getting closer to Then, but just because I'm with Him.

Hmm...teach me, Jesus, to wait and to be here, Now.

The Rules of the Road

Generally, I am an un-angry person. But lately I have found myself influenced by the culture of the road.

I never really understood road rage. I did not understand how a kind hearted person could transform into something so other just because they are enclosed in their personal space of tin (Or whatever metal it is they use...car savvy I am not). The Road transforms mothers, activists, Wal Mart cashiers, philanthropists, knitters, CEOs, teachers. It swallows the wisest of the wise and the calm and peaceful ones and spits them out as something unrecognizable.

And I am not exempt. One day I was driving to work and a car behind me got out of my lane, switched to the lane next to me (that was ending in about 500 feet, mind you), and tried to speed up and pass me before his lane ended. Incredulous at the audacity of this vehicle, I sped up in defiant refusal. You shall not pass!, my heart declared as I mumbled about how impatient this person must be. The car was forced to take his rightful place behind me after his lane ran out. I relished my victory for a few minutes, but then I was overcome with conviction.

I am constantly reminding myself that I do not know anybody else's story. My heart can be so quick to judge, but I do not know who these other drivers are or where they are going. I do not know why they drive with an urgency that would permit them to push their way in front of others or act discourteously. I do not know if patience is their weakness or if they were having a bad day. And even if I knew any of these things, I would still be in no place to judge. Christ's love compels me. One version of the Bible says that Christ's love has moved me to such extremes that it has the first and last word in everything that I do. So WHY in the WORLD am I moved by the Road?

I have come up with several theories:

1) "It's a car, not a person." I have also found myself conveniently forgetting that inside that inconsiderate little sports car that just cut me off in the fast lane only to slow down again, is a person. Maybe we are so quick to unleash our anger on the road because we forget that we aren't yelling at colorful four-wheeled machines, but a mom and a teacher and (gasp) a fellow Christian.

2) "It's my way or the highway." I have driven with plenty of drivers, and have learned that the common sentiment on the road is that you need to get yours and look out for yourself. Defensive Driving, they call it. As soon as we start up our cars, we throw selflessness out the window and enter Me zone.

3) "Anonymity rules." Most of the time, we can be a jerk and get away with it because we know we won't run into that person ever again and they don't know who we are anyways. But there should be consistency between who you are inside and who you portray to the world. That's why it's usually the secret sin that tears us up the most.

I still shake my head when people cut me off and secretly hope they see my disapproval in their rearview mirror. But change is slowly coming... I'm learning to be a rule breaker.

Little Lamp

God is teaching me a lot about trust right now.

During worship at church on Sunday, the worship leader paused and gave a word that has stuck with me. She said that God's word is a lamp unto our feet and a light to our path. My first thought was "true, that is in the Bible." But then she painted a picture. She said that God does not give us a flood light to illuminate the road ahead and show us where we are going. He gives us a lamp. And I saw this:

And bless my little visual heart, it clicked!

I have been expecting to follow God through the seasons of unknown and turn the corner and:

God would reveal it all to me, answer the prayers I have been trusting Him with, and I would be in control again! Yet, even as I am living in fulfilled promises and answered prayers that I have prayed for years, God is keeping me ever dependent. With each fulfilled promise and answered prayer comes its own set of challenges and questions.

It's interesting that He gives us a lamp for our feet. God shows us just what we need to see in order for us to go. What I love about the picture the worship leader painted is that the lamp is being held by her feet and not by her head or her eyes. So often, I am immobilized by what I cannot see. I want my questions answered and my reasoning mind appeased before I take a step. But most of the time, I am finding that God shows me where I need to go and that's it. I am learning to allow this restrained light to be a mobilizing force in my life and not a source of fear or doubt. I am learning to change my response from "Where in the world are we going?!" to "Look! There's our next step, let's go!" Sometimes I feel like I am not the most graceful walker. But I would rather take awkward step after awkward step in trusting stride with my Jesus than run on my own. There is rest and peace in this place - in living a life with just enough light.

An ode to the sense of taste

Food is good! What a genius creation where texture, flavor, and color collide. I have to say it is so satisfying to take a bigger-than-your-mouth bite of something delicious and overwhelm your senses...it's a bit reckless. Sometimes it is nice to forget boundaries and just be. Just go!

Maybe this is why I love Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving I ate: cinnamon rolls, eggs, sausage, apple slices, yams, collard greens, dressing, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, herbed rice, brussels sprouts, ham, turkey, cranberry sauce, banana pudding, sweet potato pie, pecan pie, banana nut cake, cranberry truffle, and carrot spice cake. My stomach absolutely rioted, and I am glad it is once a year, but I would not change a bite.

I am learning more each day how important it is to take care of my body and nourish it well with fueling foods. I love how I feel after I eat a well balanced meal of protein, fresh vegetables, and whole grains. But I am not of the opinion that food is meant solely to prolong my years. Food is also to be appreciated and savored.

I have caught myself eating too quickly lately. We are living in a Rush Hour culture and even when I have nothing to do, "scarf mode" is auto engaged. Don't act like you don't know scarf mode. It is quite possible to eat an entire meal and never taste a bite! Shouldn't this concern us? Taste (as I learned in a science class), requires presence and attentiveness. I think I like food so much because there is so much to discover when I take the time to taste it. The more you attend to what you are eating, the more you taste it and the more you taste it the more beauty [or not] you uncover. You might write me off as a glutton or a nutcase, but I think it is possible that the way you approach your dinner is related to the way you approach other things in life. Do you stop to savor, discover, explore, ponder? It isn't to say that "quick eaters" are shallow and thoughtless (I am guilty as much as anyone). But I wonder how much I have missed by forgetting to taste. And so, a next meal challenge is in order. Pause and complete: "This tastes _____." For as many years as I have been eating, it is amazing how long it has taken me to discover how good food really is.

Smile

Two weeks and two days ago I saw my birthfather for the first time in fifteen years.

Maybe that is shocking. If you didn't know, I grew up with my mom and dad - a dad who is by blood unrelated, but who raised me, loved me, and adopted me and is my dad nonetheless. Chris (my birthfather) was not a part of my life. I remember back when I was Angry, spending myself wondering why I wasn't good enough to have his love or attention... or just presence. Was it something that I did? Was it something about me? But questions unanswered, particularly the identity kind, leave the heart at risk. So for survival's sake, I buried the questions and the accompanying pain and never looked back. Ever. Because I knew that if I lingered in that place, I could be destroyed. Thank God for Harold, my dad who married my mom when I was 6 and gave me a place to rest my questioning, curious, unwittingly dangerous eyes. He saved me in a lot of ways.

I have been told I have a great smile and that it lights up a room. And on that Friday I found myself in country-town Florida staring at the same space brightening smile on a completely unfamiliar face. It struck me as mostly wrong. Like one of those riddles: which of these things does not belong? That smile... that smile does not go there. Truly, the thought of building a relationship with Chris and his family grates against me still. They are honest, kind, and loving people. But they have never been mine.

It is a process of tearing down to build back up; of cessation and re-creation. I believe there is goodness and healing to be had through this, but right now it is all so foreign and ill-fitting. The only way to do this thing with any kind of worth or truth, is to not just be there and put forth the time, but be there as me - open, wall-less, and raw. Oh, that is such a vulnerable and fragile state. It's the kind of being that you would only show the proven, and they are very unproven.

In my soul, I don't want to do the face value, "pleased to meet you, I'll eat your chicken and be on my way" kind of thing. But I know I could get away with it and it could pass as relationship and I could remain unexposed and "safe". But I am beginning to think maybe that isn't safe at all. Or at least it isn't free. And if I am going to be free, I have to be real and be me. I have to give up myself and trust that I will return intact. I don't know exactly what these relationships are supposed to look like, but I know that I have to risk me in this. I don't think I'll understand freedom until I risk me. Risk is tricky, heart palpitating, uncomfortable business. Praise Jesus for courage and strength to risk big. Even when risk just means facing my own smile in the mirror two weeks and two days later, breathing in, and being free to remain me.

Discovery loves company.

Consider this the obligatory intro post.

You may (or may not) know much about about me, but I'm discovering in twenty two years of life I am still my own acquaintance.

I used to think too much of myself, and I hid behind walls, claiming them as my identity. I was Angry and Aggressive and then I realized you lose friends that way so I became Driven and Passionate instead. I don't know exactly how or when the switch was made, but Jesus wooed me and called me out from the city I had constructed around Me. And when I say Jesus wooed me, I don't mean to get churchy or religious; it peeves and pains me when people use Jesus as a trump card. No, Jesus pursued me and my heart slowly softened to Him and now I love Him fiercely. Too often, I think I know a lot more than I do. I have been wrong too much, yet enough so that I now hold knowledge loosely. But the one thing that has remained real and steadfast to me is the presence of God in my life. He is the only truth that I know. When it comes to reality and existence and all of these grand concepts philosophers marinate, I have resolved to know nothing but Jesus because He is all that has ever penetrated my defenses.

My soul craves truth and my aim in these posts is to be provocative, entertaining, and mostly transparent. As I walk with Jesus, I hope to learn more about Him and in turn more about me. I hope your interest is piqued and as you read whatever I share from this small mind, may you be probed to decipher yourself.